20 Old-School Rules of Seduction That Are Unthinkable Today

Rather than asking someone out on a date, a man would show up at the woman’s family home and hope to be welcomed into the living room, usually in the presence of her entire family. The idea of a private—or even semi-private—meeting was considered deeply inappropriate and would have immediately aroused suspicion toward both parties.

In colonial New England, a practice known as “bundling” allowed couples in love to share the same bed for the night—with one condition, of course. A wooden plank was placed between the two lovers, and the woman was sometimes sewn into what one can imagine to be a sort of chastity bag. This whole arrangement required a level of trust in physical boundaries that seems almost comically optimistic in hindsight.

Even a gesture as innocuous as a prolonged handshake could damage a woman’s reputation under Victorian social codes. Any significant physical display of affection was strictly reserved for the period following the official announcement of the engagement, which meant that couples could spend months courting each other without ever touching.

In previous centuries, marriage was often a financial arrangement between two families, in which property, land, or livestock were exchanged. The emotional compatibility of the two people getting married was, at best, a secondary consideration.

A woman who openly showed interest in a man risked being seen as “too forward” within her social circle. Any romantic initiative had to come from the man, which meant that women had to expend a great deal of energy communicating their interest through gestures that could technically be denied.

In many communities, particularly before the 19th century, it was not uncommon for marriages to be entirely arranged by religious leaders or matchmakers designated by the community. The feelings of the prospective spouses toward this arrangement were rarely the deciding factor.

Before a couple could get married, their intention to marry was publicly announced at church for three consecutive Sundays, a practice known as “publication of banns.” The purpose was to give anyone with an objection, a prior claim, or a secret enough time to come forward and voice their concerns.

Etiquette manuals from the Regency era emphasized that couples in the courtship phase should address each other using formal titles—Mademoiselle and Monsieur—throughout that entire phase. Using first names was considered a sign of intimacy reserved for close family, and doing so prematurely could be interpreted as presumptuous, or even scandalous.

In previous centuries, acceptable tokens of affection included handwritten poems, a lock of hair, or small gold jewelry, and the meaning of each was carefully understood within a shared social code. Offering a practical, unexpected, or store-bought gift with no symbolic value would have been met with confusion, or even disgust.

During the Regency, a young woman was under no circumstances allowed to be alone with a suitor. A chaperone—usually an older female relative—had to be present at every meeting, every outing, and every conversation of any length.

The social pressure on women to marry young was so intense that those who remained unmarried as they approached their thirties were routinely labeled “old maids,” a label that subjected them to rather cruel social stigma.

Etiquette guides from the Regency era explicitly advised women against discussing politics, displaying too much intelligence, or engaging in gossip during romantic conversations. A woman was expected to be pleasant, amiable, and nonthreatening at the beginning of a romantic relationship.

Men were expected to handle all the logistics, order food, open doors, manage payments, and decide where and when the couple would go. A woman who did not conform to these expectations was not considered competent or independent; she was seen as a problem.

Once an engagement had been officially announced, breaking it off was not only embarrassing; it could also have disastrous consequences for a woman’s social standing and prospects for marriage. A broken engagement could haunt a woman for years, influencing how her community perceived her character and judgment.

In many colonial and Victorian communities, a man who was courting a woman would find that his neighbors, fellow parishioners, and local merchants had quietly begun to assess his character and financial situation long before he made his formal proposal.

Marrying outside one’s social class or religious community was not only frowned upon; it could lead to outright social exclusion for both parties and a severing of family ties that left couples isolated. The pool of acceptable partners was considerably more limited than what most people would find acceptable today.

At formal balls during the Regency era, a woman who wished to discourage the attention of a particular suitor could do so by refusing to dance with him—a gesture that everyone in the room understood and interpreted. It was a quick and polite way to let someone know that you weren’t interested.

Throughout most of history, marriage was primarily viewed as a legal and economic agreement between two families, with romantic love considered a pleasant bonus if it happened to develop over time. The idea that personal happiness and emotional fulfillment should be the main reasons for getting married is, from a historical perspective, a fairly recent and truly radical concept.